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A Hilarious Fanfic. It Should Be Framed.


Note: I got the idea for this from BlackStar's old fanfics about Crusade vs. TNT. So, all profits go to him, leave your money for Sta in the back. Wish Sta and I happy birthday too. Also, as you can tell this is all off the top of my head. And of course I don't own any of this.

Gideon paced across his ship, the Excalibur, with worry in his eyes and nervousness in his step. Gideon was soon to meet with a potential ally in the hope they could join forces and fight the darkness of the Networks. The chances of success were grim, but like that old character Galen had said, "There's always hope." Of course, Galen had gotten killed in Crusade's first year of cancellation. The TNT ships were relentless in their mission to destroy the spin-off series Crusade following the show's tragic cancellation. Things had been hard for the Excalibur for last year with the TNT ships killing so many extras on board Gideon's ship, but today Gideon had one final hope. His last chance to defeat the TNT empire was ironically another Captain who had lost his show...

Ranger David Martel sighed in full acknowledgement of the vital meeting he had with Captain Gideon. His ship, the Liandra, hadn't lost too many people, but their war with Scifi was still a new one, and Martel knew that his ship couldn't stay on the run for so long like the Excalibur had. Martel knew this mission to unite was imperative, he just hoped TNT or Scifi wouldn't find them with their pants down.

"We've arrived at the pre-determined coordinates," Lieutenant John Matheson informed Captain Gideon, "Jumping to normal space."
"Good, Lieutenant. Is the Liandra here yet?" Gideon asked.
"The Liandra is here. She's asking to communicate," Matheson reported.
"Do it," Gideon replied. After an odd, long pause Gideon expected some sort of audio transmission, but there was no sound. "Do it," Gideon repeated. Yet again, the strange pause was there, so Gideon turned his chair to face Matheson and understood the problem. "Damn! Ever since the real John Matheson died in TNT's last assault we've had to use John's stunt double! Lucky for us, John's double has narcolepsy! One of you extras, take John's position."

Back on the Liandra, Dulann voiced the crew's suspicion, "It has been several minutes since the Excalibur has responded, this could be a trap."
Martel responded, "That's a risk we have to take, Dulann. The Excalibur is a powerful ship and if we're going to beat Scifi and TNT, we'll need their help."

"Captain," said the extra that replaced Matheson, "We've apologized for the long delay, and you're on."
"Captain Martel, this is Captain Gideon of the Excalibur. You and I both share a disappointing failure - our shows both bombed. Whether it was a football game or Networks wanting more sex and violence, they got rid of us. I'm asking you now to join us in our fight agains the Networks. To seek out new ratings, and new ways to beat TNT and Scifi. To bodly go where no Spin-off has gone bef- Oh Damn!" Gideon suddenly stopped to catch himself, "That whole speech was too damned dramatic! TNT knows drama, and they're going to pick it up on their Drama sensors!"
"Actually, Captain your speech wasn't dramatic. In fact, it sounded a lot like Star Trek," the extra voiced his opinion.
"Extra, is Star Trek dramatic?" Gideon asked in fear.
"Aside from a crying shame, no," the extra said.
"Very well. Captain Martel, we need you. Will you help us fight the...the...the...Networks?" Gideon pleaded on his knees.

The crew of the Liandra listened in disgust as Captain Gideon yelped like a sissy.
"The crew we are joining with are cowards!" Na'Feel spat.
"Na'Feel, we have to sign on with them. If we do not, we could end up like the crew of the Excalibur unless we put a stop to it now. Sure, we can go on the run for years like they did, and end up as demented, babbling, small shadows of our former selves, or we can rise up and fight the Corporates! Strike a blow against evil Execs. that will be heard across the galaxy!" Martel shouted in his rallying speech. He could see his crew was behind this action so he told Kitaro Sasaki to send a message agreeing to helping the Excalibur.

"Captain, the Liandra has just agreed to helping us," the extra informed Gideon.
"Great! Tell them to jump into hyperspace with us. That way TNT won't find us with our pants down," Gideon said.
"Wait. Captain, I'm picking up thousands upon thousands ships entering the system. Picking up a transmission," the extra told Gideon in shock.
"Let me hear it," said Gideon.
"This is Admiral Bonnie Hammer of the Scifi Channel ship Scifi. First off, I need you to know that I am Scifi. Next, I'm ordering both renegade ships to surrender. We have your ships surrounded with a Coalition of TNT-Scifi ships. And worst of all, we have...John Edward with us! Your shows are done with, you outcasts! Now surrender!"
"Extra, how the Hell did Scifi and TNT know we were here?" Gideon questioned.
"Well Captain, obviously that line you gave about 'fight the...the...the...Networks' was dramaticly gross enough to appear on TNT's sensor board," the extra concluded.

"Kitaro, why the Hell is John Edward here?" Martel asked completely afraid.
"That line you gave about being 'Shadows of our former selves' must have attracted him to us. The man is the King of Shadows, really. Besides, every Babylon 5-fanfic-writer knows you can't make a Shadow reference without scaring your audience pissless," Kitaro said matter-of-factly.
"Indeed. Sarah, hop in that gunport and keep those enemy ships off our tail. Now have us jump into hyperspace so we can get out of here and finally get what we need most...ratings."
Both the Excalibur and the Liandra left just as the TNT-Scifi ships came into firing range.

"So are you in?" Gideon asked the man.
"Let's see if I have this right: You want me to join you on some suicide mission as I watch just so you can get some better ratings?" The man summed up.
"That's about right," Gideon said.
"Hmm...can you fix me up on a date with Dureena?" The man wondered.
"If that's what it takes," Gideon answered.
"Okay, I'm in," the man finally concluded.
The two men shook hands and Gideon told him, "Nice to have aboard, GKarseye. You're perverted remarks are legendary, you'll be great for increasing the sex."
"That's 'MightGKarseye' to you. And just don't forget that date," GKarseye reminded Gideon.

"Are you in, or not?" Martel asked the man.
"Let me see if I have this right: You want me to join you on your ship while it partakes in a suicide run as I watch just to increase your ratings?" The man questioned.
"That's about how it goes," Martel quickly replied.
"Hmm...can you get me a date with Sarah?" The man wondered.
"Sure, if you'll watch our show," Martel figured it was for a good cause.
"All right, I'm in!" The man exclaimed at meeting his fantasy.
"Pleasure to have you signing on, Crazybillyo. Just bring some of your legendary scrambone to watch - that'll be a bonus to the ratings as well," Martel concluded finishing the agreement with CBO.

"So are you with us?" Gideon asked the woman.
"I don't know," she said, "Going against several thousands of ships just so I can increase your ratings sounds so dangerous."
"I tell you what," Gideon offered, "I'll throw in a date with your heartthrob Max Eilerson if you sign on with us."
The woman was more interested yet she still turned Gideon down.
"Okay, okay. Along with already having that date with Max, I'll throw in a date with G'Kar, too." Said Gideon.
"DONE!" The woman shouted without hesitation.
"Great to have you with us, Kribu. You and your cats will add some fine ratings to our growing figures. Heh, Babylon 5 fans - deep down they're all a bunch of filthy pervs." Gideon laughed.

"Ms. Hammer," a Scifi lackey said to her, "There's a problem with the ratings."
Bonnie Hammer, CEO of the Scifi Channel, put down her plans for more syndication cuts for The Twilight Zone and cackled as she asked the lackey what the problem is.
"Well, Ms. Hammer. It's a problem with those Babylon 5 Spin-offs," the lackey nervously spoke.
"Don't tell me they made Nelson's Ratings List," she cackled.
"Ms. Hammer, they're number one on the list," he winced as he said it.
Bonnie Hammer's face turned cold as ice and she cried out, "Maybe that KoshN person who kept writing me letters was right! They used to be nothing, now they're the most watched show of all time! It's like the ultimate irony!
"Actually Miss Hammer, the ultimate irony was when you were willing to pay your left ovary to get Crusade, but when you got the chance to own another great show you dumped Rangers like an ugly bad date," the lackey replied.
"Well, it's no matter. I've already sent the whole fleet after the two renegade ships. And unless they find one more person to watch their show, they'll be destroyed!" Hammer revealed.

"Okay, friends, here's the deal: We need one more person to watch our show which will lead to the bankruptcy of both TNT and Scifi. The problem is, they're fleet is right on our neck, and unless we can find someone in say... a minute then we're all going to be scheduled next to show up on The John Edward Show, so find some one, please!" Gideon and Martel both begged us.
"I ran Elizar off the ship," RW7427 pointed out.
"Slappy is still busy being urinated on," pipped Crazy.
"BlackStar is collecting his profits for this story that I wrote in the back. He won't be here," I said.
"GKaroftheKhaRi still isn't back from his Bebop Bounty Hunting session," Slappy replied.
"I'm busy on a sassination!" Sassy exclaimed with Pink Panther music in the background.
"Poor Tygirwulf got trampled by a wayward football team. She's gonna need help," DW, always the Dr. Franklin, noted.
"Flarnchef found Garibaldi and they're doing the horizontal tango in the back. She'll be gone," giggled Lyta.
"I can't help the ratings, I'm writing the next episode for Rangers," the ever busy Channe spoke.
"Joe D is teaching us the meaning of life in here. We'll catch it next time," Lennier told the Captains.
"Recoil is hitting on chicks," Solaris said with a smile, "Strike that, Recoil and I are going to be busy with these chicks..."
"*Sigh* is baking some brownies with me way back in the kitchen. We can't make it," Galen let the Captains know.
"War-Demon is busy decapitating someone," reported...well, War-Demon.

"Then get that dude!" Gideon and Martel shouted as they grabbed some passerby.

And, of course we got two Spin-off Series. Crusade and Rangers because AntonyF, the last rating, saved the day. TNT and Scifi went bankrupt, and thus the mighty fleet heading for us had to be sold to pay the debt.

It just goes to show you: TNT and drama don't mix. I mean, who's going to listen to a stirring monlogue when some dude is chucking sticks of dynamite around?

*just... dies... laughing*

OMG, that was hilarious! /forums/images/icons/laugh.gif /forums/images/icons/laugh.gif
That was grrrreat!!!! /forums/images/icons/laugh.gif /forums/images/icons/laugh.gif /forums/images/icons/laugh.gif

*falls off the chair and rolls on the floor in fits of laughter*
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"This is Admiral Bonnie Hammer of the Scifi Channel ship Scifi."

Hmm, "Skiffy" would probably be better.

"This is Admiral Bonnie Hammer of the Scifi Channel ship Skiffy."

And why was I, KoshN, not mentioned? Harrumph! /forums/images/icons/rolleyes.gif
And to think, I skipped reading this earlier in the day. Shows what I know. /forums/images/icons/grin.gif

It was very, very smart. I wouldn't call it hilarious though, but still, very nifty stuff.

*Goes to buy some flowers* /forums/images/icons/blush.gif /forums/images/icons/smile.gif
Thanks, although Mondo Londo calling it 'cute' scares me.

KoshN, I edited and check the scene where the Scifi lackey goes to Bonnie Hammer's, I found a way to slip you in I didn't think about before. I figure you deserve it for all the work you do for Crusade.

The Title Stands, Crazy!

Thanks, folks.
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funny very funny