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24/Jack Bauer Humor


A lot of these are very similar to the website that came out a bit ago regarding Chuck Norris trivia. These, however, have a 24 twist to them. Some of them are sweet! Funny stuff.


You can lead a horse to water, but only Jack Bauer can make him drink.

Jack Bauer let the dogs out.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Colin Farrell smokes a pack of cigarettes a day. Jack Bauer smokes a pack of terrorists anytime he feels like it.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Jack Bauer cannot stick his elbow in his ear, but he can stick your elbow in your ear.

Deaf people listen to Jack bauer.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer freaking hates lemonade.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.

If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

Jack Bauer once won a game of rock paper scissors using niether rock, paper nor scissors.

Jack Bauer's calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

Jack Bauer uses #1 pencils on standardized tests.... Jack Bauer doesn't associate with anything that is #2.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Jack Bauer does not use birth control, he simply demands that you not get pregnant.

If Jack Bauer tells you to get out of the room because you don't want to see what he's about to do, you better stay your ass in that room because you're about to witness the most shockingly awesome thing you've ever seen.

Jack Bauer brings a knife to a gun fight and always wins.

Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

Jack Bauer has never actually had to count to three, ever.

Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl... by himself.

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.

While playing Clue, Instead of investigating the rooms, Jack interrogates the Colonel until he tells him who killed Mr. Boddy.

When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.

"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm fucked".

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.

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