D
**DONOTDELETE**
Guest
Not sure how many people here have seen Mystery Science Theatre 3000, so I'll give a quick description. It is a show that basically has live reviews of crappy movies and mocks them all the way through. I have only seen a few episodes myself, from a long time ago so I am by no means a hardcore fan. But after reading this I decided to try and write one as well. I stuck closely to the material, because as I said I am not exactly a hardcore fan so I am not fully aware of mannerisms, pace, attitude etc. This is also my first reall foray in writing anything, so expect crap.
Though, no doubt it'll be ignored and be lost amongst other posts... as most of mine are. Just that kinda guy I guess.
Anyway, enough babble, here it is -
Teaser:
INT SATELLITE OF LOVE BRIDGE
Mike comes striding in with a grin on his face.
Tom: Hey Mike! Can you stop smiling, it's making me nervous.
Mike: I've been using my extra years of knowledge to the brink of strain trying to think of a way of escaping and I think I've got it.
Crow: Right, the time travel thing again.... I think it has come to the point where you have to stop watching star trek.... it's for your own health. As well as ours.
Tom: You are getting kinda pastey faced, and mentally unstable. Well more so.
Mike: I get the point guys, but I am serious.
Crow: (in a manner as if talking to a child) Ok, how about you share this grand plan then?
Mike: Well I figure, every man has his weakness, so Doctor Forrester must have his. And so we use whatever dark secrets we can find and blackmail him for our freedom.
Tom: ........... and exactly how long have you been working on this plan?
Mike: A couple weeks.
Crow repeatedly hits his head against the wall.
INVENTION EXCHANGE:
INT SATELLITE OF LOVE BRIDGE
Mike: I'm telling you guys, if we grill him for information we'll eventually find out his darkest secrets and exploit them for all they're worth.
Crow: Why does this sound so familiar?
Mike: I got it from a movie.
Tom: Dr Forrester has finally broke him, look at the guy, he's talking using a movie for real life *cough*.
Crow: Let's give Mike a chance, what's the movie?
Mike: Well... Star wars: a new hope.
Crow repeatedly hits his head against the wall.
Tom: I'm assuming you're the princess in this scenerio (talking to Mike).
Mike: I'll be the one trying to get the information, yeah.
Tom: Uhuh... and will you be wearing a dress during any of this?
Mike: C'mon, it isn't as bad as it seems, it makes sense when you think about it... lets go watch A New Hope and see the plan in action.
Crow: Listen to yourself!! You want to purposely subject us to that wishy washy farmboy nonsense... I'll play no part in this madness!
The crew is alerted to an incoming message. Mike presses a button.
INT DEEP 13
Dr Forrester: Hello gentleman and utensils, how are you?
Crow: Well not very...
Dr Forretser: (talking over crow) Anyway, as usual it has come time to swap our inventions. I have come up with an ingenius new hair modifier. It turns normal hair into hair that stands on end! Frank will now demonstrate.
Wires leading to Franks head begin to emit sparks.
Frank (convulsing): !&"^&$%"
The room turns to abyss of darkness with the lights quickly returning.
Dr Forrester: (pointing to Franks new hairstyle) See! And only minor side effects, some burns, few weeks in hospital... but you can't argue with results.
Frank: Can I lay down now?
Dr Forrester: Yes, yes *waves hand*. And you Mike, have you got anything this week?
INT SATELLITE OF LOVE BRIDGE. Mikes eyes are darting.
Dr Forrester: I do not have all day.
Mike: Yes, well the problem is...
Dr Forrester: Yes?
Mike: Erm... well I had the same idea.
Tom (puts head in hand): Oh god.
Mike: Except it has no side effects.
Crow (hitting head): Now you've done it!
Dr Forrester (holding back rage): You.... stole.... my.... idea?
Mike: No, I just.. well.. I... erm.. I didn't really steal your idea.
Dr Forrester: Oh, so I stole the idea from you?
Crow and Tom: Please have mercy!
Mike: No, no... it was just a coincidence.
Dr Forrester: Liar! This deserves punishment! And I have got just the thing, Star Wars: A New hope. Puppets, space red necks, old people and of course... bad acting and a silly plot! (sends movie)
Crow: What the?!?! This is some kind of conspiracy! You're all in on it! Back... BACK! (flails arms)
Movie sign buzzer sounds.
Mike: Yes!
Tom: This has to be some kind of sign from a devine being to end my life!
Dr Forrester (talking to Mike): YES??? WHAT DO YOU MEAN "YES"?!?!
WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN
Mike: I wanted to see this movie, thanks Doc... movies starting, gotta go.
Mike drags Tom and Crow to the movie, with Dr Forrester screaming in the background.
STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE
Mike and bots make their way to their seats
TITLE: A long time ago in a galaxy far far away.
TOM: Oooh... I'm in chills. If it was so far far away, then why the hell are we being subjected to this damn film?
CROW: One of those universal mysteries.... or George is lying.
A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop for the main title.
MIKE: Mmm... bright dots.
CROW: George sure does like to be original in his openings.
TOM: Yup, don't see stars much these days.
War drums echo through the heavens as a rollup slowly crawls into infinity.
It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a
hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic
Empire.
CROW: Booo! Rebels are pansies.
During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the
Empire's ultimate weapon, the Death Star, an armored space station
with enough power to destroy an entire planet.
TOM: Damn, I've lost the plot already... too complicated.
Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, Princess Leia races home
aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her
people and restore freedom to the galaxy...
MIKE: Don't say it!
CROW: Yes, your highness.
TOM: Ok, so your master plan has been explained... can we go now?
The awesome yellow planet of Tatooine emerges from a total eclipse, her two moons glowing against the darkness. A tiny silver spacecraft, a Rebel Blockade Runner firing lasers from the back of the ship, races through space. It is pursed by a giant Imperial Stardestroyer. Hundreds of deadly laserbolts streak from the Imperial Stardestroyer, causing the main solar fin of the Rebel craft to disintegrate.
MIKE: Purty explosions.
An explosion rocks the ship as two robots, Artoo-Detoo (R2-D2) and See-Threepio (C-3PO) struggle to make their way through the shaking, bouncing passageway
TOM: Look at those excuses for robots... can't even make it down a corridor.
MIKE: Jealous?
CROW: I am going to pretend you didn't make that remark.
THREEPIO: Did you hear that? They've shut down the main reactor. We'll
be destroyed for sure. This is madness!
MIKE: Man, they make this too easy.
THREEPIO: We're doomed!
The little R2 unit makes a series of electronic sounds
THREEPIO: There'll be no escape for the Princess this time.
CROW: Oh no! What will you do Mike!
Mike mumbles
Artoo continues making beeping sounds
THREEPIO: What's that?
TOM: Don't look at me, I have no idea.
EXT: REBEL AND IMPERIAL SHIP
The smaller Rebel ship is being drawn into the underside dock of the giant Imperial starship
INT: HALLWAY CONTAINING REBEL TROOPS
Imperials board the ship and a fire fight insues.
MIKE (as TROOPER): My kingdom for a crosshair!
CROW: Do they even try to aim?
TOM: If their futuristic guns are so useless then shouldn't they go back to sticks and knives?
CROW: Don't mention those in front of stormtroopers, they get flashbacks.
THREEPIO: I should have known better than to trust the logic of a
half-sized thermocapsulary dehousing assister...
Artoo counters with an angry rebuttal as the battle rages around the two hapless robots.
MIKE: Well at least we know drugs still exist.
EXT: TATOOINE
The tremendous heat of two huge twin suns settle on a lone figure, Luke Skywalker, a farm boy with heroic aspirations who looks much younger than his eighteen years
TOM: C'mon super-nova!
He motions for the tiny robot to follow him.
LUKE: Hurry up! Come with me! What are you waiting for?! Get in gear!
CROW: I'm waiting for the plot.
The robot scoots around in a tight circle, stops short, and smoke begins to pour out of every joint.
MIKE (as LUKE): Damn you Taiwan!
INT: BLOCKADE RUNNER-HALLWAY
The Dark Lord of the Sith makes his way down the corridor
INT: BLOCKADE RUNNER
A woman's hand puts a card into an opening in Artoo's dome. Artoo makes beeping sounds.
CROW: George, you sick, sick man. And this is supposed to be for kids?
INT: REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER.
Threepio stands in a hallway, somewhat bewildered. Artoo is nowhere in sight.
THREEPIO: Artoo! Artoo-Detoo, where are you?
A familiar clanking sound attacks Threepio's attention and he spots little Artoo at the end of the hallway in a smoke-filled alcove. A beautiful young girl (about sixteen years old) stands in front of Artoo.
TOM: A teenager? I'm shocked George, truly, I am.
THREEPIO: At last! Where have you been?
THREEPIO: They're heading in this direction. What are we going to do?
We'll be sent to the spice mine of Kessel or smashed into who knows
what!
MIKE: Pray you go to prison, I'm betting you'll have a wonderful time.
Artoo scoots past his bronze friend
THREEPIO: Wait a minute, where are you going?
CROW: Anywhere away from you I imagine.
TOM: He is constantly talking about his dislike of R2 yet everytime R2 tries to lose him, he always ends up following. Perhaps this is some kind of romantic relationship?
MIKE: Let's hope 3P0 doesn't find out about the princess, who knows what kind of hissy fit he'll put up.
INT: BLOCKADE RUNNER - HALLWAY
Vadar grabs a Rebel officer by the neck.
IMPERIAL OFFICER: The Death Star plans are not in the main computer
VADER: Where are those transmissions you intercepted?
VADER: What have you done with those plans?
CROW: You better have the gloves ready.
REBEL OFFICER: We intercepted no transmissions. Aaah....This is a
consular ship. Were on a diplomatic mission.
VADER: If this is a consular ship...were is the Ambassador?
Rebel officer dies from Vadars choking.
TOM (SINGING): Daaarth Vaader, he's a hero, gonna bring pollution down to zero.
VADER: Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found those plans
and bring me the Ambassador. I want her alive!
INT: BLOCKADE RUNNER - SUBHALLWAY
The lovely young girl huddles in a small alcove as the
stormtroopers search through the ship. She is Princess Leia
Organa, a member of the Alderaan Senate.
TROOPER: There she is! Set for stun!
Leia steps from her hiding place and blasts a trooper with her laser pistol.
She starts to run but is felled by a paralyzing ray. The troopers inspect her inert body.
TROOPER: She'll be all right. Inform Lord Vader we have a prisoner.
MIKE (as TROOPER): What about the guy she shot?
CROW: (as TROOPER): Not my problem. (shrugs)
INT: BLOCKADE RUNNER - SUBHALLWAY
Artoo stops before the small hatch of an emergency lifepod
THREEPIO: Hey, you're not permitted in there. It's restricted. You'll
be deactivated for sure..
Artoo beeps something to him.
THREEPIO: Don't call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight glob of
grease! Now come out before somebody sees you.
Artoo whistles something at his reluctant friend regarding the mission he is about to perform.
THREEPIO: Secret mission? What plans? What are you talking about? I'm
not getting in there!
Artoo isn't happy with Threepio's stubbornness, and he beeps and twangs angrily.
THREEPIO: I'm going to regret this.
TOM: Amazing how they manage to say something while not actually saying anything.
INT: IMPERIAL STARDESTROYER.
On the main viewscreen, the lifepod carrying the two terrified robots speeds away from the stricken Rebel spacecraft.
CHIEF PILOT: There goes another one.
CAPTAIN: Hold your fire. There are no life forms. It must have been
short-circuited.
MIKE (as CHEIF PILOT): Phew, close one, wouldn't of wanted to waste a single round. Then we'd really be in for it.
CROW: The plot device is saved, hooray!
INT: LIFEPOD.
Artoo and Threepio look out at the receding Imperial starship.
THREEPIO: That's funny, the damage doesn't look as bad from out here.
Artoo beeps an assuring response.
THREEPIO: Are you sure this things safe?
TOM (as ARTOO): Nope, not a clue... hey whats that flashing red light.
=======================
I would have done the whole movie, but I figured no one would read it, so may as well test the waters first, then finish it.
------------------
Marc Cosgrove
"From chaos, order came. As was inevitable." -Summoning light
Teaser:
INT SATELLITE OF LOVE BRIDGE
Mike comes striding in with a grin on his face.
Tom: Hey Mike! Can you stop smiling, it's making me nervous.
Mike: I've been using my extra years of knowledge to the brink of strain trying to think of a way of escaping and I think I've got it.
Crow: Right, the time travel thing again.... I think it has come to the point where you have to stop watching star trek.... it's for your own health. As well as ours.
Tom: You are getting kinda pastey faced, and mentally unstable. Well more so.
Mike: I get the point guys, but I am serious.
Crow: (in a manner as if talking to a child) Ok, how about you share this grand plan then?
Mike: Well I figure, every man has his weakness, so Doctor Forrester must have his. And so we use whatever dark secrets we can find and blackmail him for our freedom.
Tom: ........... and exactly how long have you been working on this plan?
Mike: A couple weeks.
Crow repeatedly hits his head against the wall.
INVENTION EXCHANGE:
INT SATELLITE OF LOVE BRIDGE
Mike: I'm telling you guys, if we grill him for information we'll eventually find out his darkest secrets and exploit them for all they're worth.
Crow: Why does this sound so familiar?
Mike: I got it from a movie.
Tom: Dr Forrester has finally broke him, look at the guy, he's talking using a movie for real life *cough*.
Crow: Let's give Mike a chance, what's the movie?
Mike: Well... Star wars: a new hope.
Crow repeatedly hits his head against the wall.
Tom: I'm assuming you're the princess in this scenerio (talking to Mike).
Mike: I'll be the one trying to get the information, yeah.
Tom: Uhuh... and will you be wearing a dress during any of this?
Mike: C'mon, it isn't as bad as it seems, it makes sense when you think about it... lets go watch A New Hope and see the plan in action.
Crow: Listen to yourself!! You want to purposely subject us to that wishy washy farmboy nonsense... I'll play no part in this madness!
The crew is alerted to an incoming message. Mike presses a button.
INT DEEP 13
Dr Forrester: Hello gentleman and utensils, how are you?
Crow: Well not very...
Dr Forretser: (talking over crow) Anyway, as usual it has come time to swap our inventions. I have come up with an ingenius new hair modifier. It turns normal hair into hair that stands on end! Frank will now demonstrate.
Wires leading to Franks head begin to emit sparks.
Frank (convulsing): !&"^&$%"
The room turns to abyss of darkness with the lights quickly returning.
Dr Forrester: (pointing to Franks new hairstyle) See! And only minor side effects, some burns, few weeks in hospital... but you can't argue with results.
Frank: Can I lay down now?
Dr Forrester: Yes, yes *waves hand*. And you Mike, have you got anything this week?
INT SATELLITE OF LOVE BRIDGE. Mikes eyes are darting.
Dr Forrester: I do not have all day.
Mike: Yes, well the problem is...
Dr Forrester: Yes?
Mike: Erm... well I had the same idea.
Tom (puts head in hand): Oh god.
Mike: Except it has no side effects.
Crow (hitting head): Now you've done it!
Dr Forrester (holding back rage): You.... stole.... my.... idea?
Mike: No, I just.. well.. I... erm.. I didn't really steal your idea.
Dr Forrester: Oh, so I stole the idea from you?
Crow and Tom: Please have mercy!
Mike: No, no... it was just a coincidence.
Dr Forrester: Liar! This deserves punishment! And I have got just the thing, Star Wars: A New hope. Puppets, space red necks, old people and of course... bad acting and a silly plot! (sends movie)
Crow: What the?!?! This is some kind of conspiracy! You're all in on it! Back... BACK! (flails arms)
Movie sign buzzer sounds.
Mike: Yes!
Tom: This has to be some kind of sign from a devine being to end my life!
Dr Forrester (talking to Mike): YES??? WHAT DO YOU MEAN "YES"?!?!
WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN
Mike: I wanted to see this movie, thanks Doc... movies starting, gotta go.
Mike drags Tom and Crow to the movie, with Dr Forrester screaming in the background.
STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE
Mike and bots make their way to their seats
TITLE: A long time ago in a galaxy far far away.
TOM: Oooh... I'm in chills. If it was so far far away, then why the hell are we being subjected to this damn film?
CROW: One of those universal mysteries.... or George is lying.
A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop for the main title.
MIKE: Mmm... bright dots.
CROW: George sure does like to be original in his openings.
TOM: Yup, don't see stars much these days.
War drums echo through the heavens as a rollup slowly crawls into infinity.
It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a
hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic
Empire.
CROW: Booo! Rebels are pansies.
During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the
Empire's ultimate weapon, the Death Star, an armored space station
with enough power to destroy an entire planet.
TOM: Damn, I've lost the plot already... too complicated.
Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, Princess Leia races home
aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her
people and restore freedom to the galaxy...
MIKE: Don't say it!
CROW: Yes, your highness.
TOM: Ok, so your master plan has been explained... can we go now?
The awesome yellow planet of Tatooine emerges from a total eclipse, her two moons glowing against the darkness. A tiny silver spacecraft, a Rebel Blockade Runner firing lasers from the back of the ship, races through space. It is pursed by a giant Imperial Stardestroyer. Hundreds of deadly laserbolts streak from the Imperial Stardestroyer, causing the main solar fin of the Rebel craft to disintegrate.
MIKE: Purty explosions.
An explosion rocks the ship as two robots, Artoo-Detoo (R2-D2) and See-Threepio (C-3PO) struggle to make their way through the shaking, bouncing passageway
TOM: Look at those excuses for robots... can't even make it down a corridor.
MIKE: Jealous?
CROW: I am going to pretend you didn't make that remark.
THREEPIO: Did you hear that? They've shut down the main reactor. We'll
be destroyed for sure. This is madness!
MIKE: Man, they make this too easy.
THREEPIO: We're doomed!
The little R2 unit makes a series of electronic sounds
THREEPIO: There'll be no escape for the Princess this time.
CROW: Oh no! What will you do Mike!
Mike mumbles
Artoo continues making beeping sounds
THREEPIO: What's that?
TOM: Don't look at me, I have no idea.
EXT: REBEL AND IMPERIAL SHIP
The smaller Rebel ship is being drawn into the underside dock of the giant Imperial starship
INT: HALLWAY CONTAINING REBEL TROOPS
Imperials board the ship and a fire fight insues.
MIKE (as TROOPER): My kingdom for a crosshair!
CROW: Do they even try to aim?
TOM: If their futuristic guns are so useless then shouldn't they go back to sticks and knives?
CROW: Don't mention those in front of stormtroopers, they get flashbacks.
THREEPIO: I should have known better than to trust the logic of a
half-sized thermocapsulary dehousing assister...
Artoo counters with an angry rebuttal as the battle rages around the two hapless robots.
MIKE: Well at least we know drugs still exist.
EXT: TATOOINE
The tremendous heat of two huge twin suns settle on a lone figure, Luke Skywalker, a farm boy with heroic aspirations who looks much younger than his eighteen years
TOM: C'mon super-nova!
He motions for the tiny robot to follow him.
LUKE: Hurry up! Come with me! What are you waiting for?! Get in gear!
CROW: I'm waiting for the plot.
The robot scoots around in a tight circle, stops short, and smoke begins to pour out of every joint.
MIKE (as LUKE): Damn you Taiwan!
INT: BLOCKADE RUNNER-HALLWAY
The Dark Lord of the Sith makes his way down the corridor
INT: BLOCKADE RUNNER
A woman's hand puts a card into an opening in Artoo's dome. Artoo makes beeping sounds.
CROW: George, you sick, sick man. And this is supposed to be for kids?
INT: REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER.
Threepio stands in a hallway, somewhat bewildered. Artoo is nowhere in sight.
THREEPIO: Artoo! Artoo-Detoo, where are you?
A familiar clanking sound attacks Threepio's attention and he spots little Artoo at the end of the hallway in a smoke-filled alcove. A beautiful young girl (about sixteen years old) stands in front of Artoo.
TOM: A teenager? I'm shocked George, truly, I am.
THREEPIO: At last! Where have you been?
THREEPIO: They're heading in this direction. What are we going to do?
We'll be sent to the spice mine of Kessel or smashed into who knows
what!
MIKE: Pray you go to prison, I'm betting you'll have a wonderful time.
Artoo scoots past his bronze friend
THREEPIO: Wait a minute, where are you going?
CROW: Anywhere away from you I imagine.
TOM: He is constantly talking about his dislike of R2 yet everytime R2 tries to lose him, he always ends up following. Perhaps this is some kind of romantic relationship?
MIKE: Let's hope 3P0 doesn't find out about the princess, who knows what kind of hissy fit he'll put up.
INT: BLOCKADE RUNNER - HALLWAY
Vadar grabs a Rebel officer by the neck.
IMPERIAL OFFICER: The Death Star plans are not in the main computer
VADER: Where are those transmissions you intercepted?
VADER: What have you done with those plans?
CROW: You better have the gloves ready.
REBEL OFFICER: We intercepted no transmissions. Aaah....This is a
consular ship. Were on a diplomatic mission.
VADER: If this is a consular ship...were is the Ambassador?
Rebel officer dies from Vadars choking.
TOM (SINGING): Daaarth Vaader, he's a hero, gonna bring pollution down to zero.
VADER: Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found those plans
and bring me the Ambassador. I want her alive!
INT: BLOCKADE RUNNER - SUBHALLWAY
The lovely young girl huddles in a small alcove as the
stormtroopers search through the ship. She is Princess Leia
Organa, a member of the Alderaan Senate.
TROOPER: There she is! Set for stun!
Leia steps from her hiding place and blasts a trooper with her laser pistol.
She starts to run but is felled by a paralyzing ray. The troopers inspect her inert body.
TROOPER: She'll be all right. Inform Lord Vader we have a prisoner.
MIKE (as TROOPER): What about the guy she shot?
CROW: (as TROOPER): Not my problem. (shrugs)
INT: BLOCKADE RUNNER - SUBHALLWAY
Artoo stops before the small hatch of an emergency lifepod
THREEPIO: Hey, you're not permitted in there. It's restricted. You'll
be deactivated for sure..
Artoo beeps something to him.
THREEPIO: Don't call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight glob of
grease! Now come out before somebody sees you.
Artoo whistles something at his reluctant friend regarding the mission he is about to perform.
THREEPIO: Secret mission? What plans? What are you talking about? I'm
not getting in there!
Artoo isn't happy with Threepio's stubbornness, and he beeps and twangs angrily.
THREEPIO: I'm going to regret this.
TOM: Amazing how they manage to say something while not actually saying anything.
INT: IMPERIAL STARDESTROYER.
On the main viewscreen, the lifepod carrying the two terrified robots speeds away from the stricken Rebel spacecraft.
CHIEF PILOT: There goes another one.
CAPTAIN: Hold your fire. There are no life forms. It must have been
short-circuited.
MIKE (as CHEIF PILOT): Phew, close one, wouldn't of wanted to waste a single round. Then we'd really be in for it.
CROW: The plot device is saved, hooray!
INT: LIFEPOD.
Artoo and Threepio look out at the receding Imperial starship.
THREEPIO: That's funny, the damage doesn't look as bad from out here.
Artoo beeps an assuring response.
THREEPIO: Are you sure this things safe?
TOM (as ARTOO): Nope, not a clue... hey whats that flashing red light.
=======================
I would have done the whole movie, but I figured no one would read it, so may as well test the waters first, then finish it.
------------------
Marc Cosgrove
"From chaos, order came. As was inevitable." -Summoning light
