Saw two crumby movies

I just want to vent about two dissappointing films I saw the other night

CRAPPY SPOILERS BELOW:

1. Love, Actually
Ok, romantic comedy is generally a genre I deplore, and I was expecting a fare share of schmaltz, but I saw it because it was populated by a stellar cast, including some of my favorite actors, such as Emma "my future wife" Thompson, Alan Rickman, Liam Neeson, and Colin Firth.

But my goodness- what stupidity. Liam Neeson convinces his step-kid to behave like they do in the movies to get a girl he has a crush on. Of course it all works out. And Neeson is mourning for his dead wife and misses and respects her so much that he blasted The Bay City Rollers as they carried her body out of the funeral service. He then proceeds to joke about how he digs Claudia Schiffer and, since this movie is more about celebrities jockying for the camera than anything, he just happens to meet a woman who likes remarkably like Schiffer (played by, you guessed it, Claudia Schiffer).

Some dude is in love with his best friends' girl and he shows up to her house holding big cards proclaiming this- for what purpose, I don't know, except to make the women watching the movie go "aw."

Hugh Grant is such a doofish prime minister that any Englishman should be offended by it- unless you're an American and you see Billy Bob Thornton's US president, an over-exaggerated mish-mash of Bush's arrogant bullying and Clinton's wayward intern diddling. In a scene apparently intended to swell the pride of the British, Grant tells Thornton off unexpectedly during a press conference, securing his place in the hearts of its citizenry. I hope this wouldn't be true, as it would make me think less of our friends across the pond.
Oh yeah, all this is somehow related to Grant having the hots for his awfully cute office worker chick. And for those counting, this marks the second film in which Hugh Grant plays opposite a cute female who is unfairly accused of being fat in the movie. Wow.
(This is the best fodder for those who wish to argue that the entertainment industry creates an unfair and unrealistic standard of beauty)

Colin Firth has the hots for his Portuguese maid and they can't understand each other but still fall in love. Of course he starts to really fall for her when he sees her in her underwear when she tries to retrieve pages of a book that were already in the lake. I swear, it was like a Skinemax flick. But we're supposed to believe it's true love just because he storms in to her waitressing job with a mob of idiots to awkwardly propose. Guess what- she says YES! And her sister is very fat. Har-har.

Alan Rickman is going to cheat on Emma Thompson with his secretary who isn't even that hot. This bit has one of the only two redeeming parts of the movie: a scene where she's alone crying after realising he's cheating on her with Joni Mitchell's Both Sides Now as the soundtrack (the version from her last album of the same name, not the original from Blue, for the Joni fans). The song also ties into the lame plot. But my favorite actress acting away to the sound of my favorite singer singing away was nice, if way too forced and silly.

The other good thing was the washed-up rockstar character making a come back. Funny stuff. Favorite quote (paraphrasing): "Kids, don't buy drugs. Become a pop star- they give 'em to you for free!"

And all these little vignettes are linked somehow: Hugh Grant is Emma Thompsons older(!) brother, or something. So it's like a tapestry- a tapestry of stupidity.

The most insulting thing is that the film is bookended by real (or real-looking) people at Heathrow airport demonstrating love for each other. Yet every attempt to show love in the film is complete horse pucky.

So don't watch this. Unless cute kids and plenty of celebrities is your thing.

2. Forgot what it's called- something with Dianne Keaton and Jack Nicholson. They're old and they fall in love. No, wait, that still could have been good- actually, Nicholson is dating her daughter (the ultimate "what's the big deal about her dumb skinny white ass?" chick in my book, but what do I know?) and Keeton doesn't make a big deal.
Folks, if that were my daughter
<inside joke for Jade Jaguar: "What would you do, Frank?">
If she were my daughter, I'd kill him. Or her. Whatever- she's like 20 and he's 63. Yech. But no, instead, they fall in love- I assume, I left half-way through. With Keanu Reeves hitting on Diane Keaton and the two old people showing their privates on the screen, I had seen enough.

Two films with actors I love, both shit.

The next morning I began my crappy movie de-tox: Pick Up On South Street, and classic over-the-top Sam Fuller noir (where they're actually looking for the microfilm, like in the cartoons that make fun of it), later Supersize Me in the theater, and today or tomorrow it will be Richard III, starring Lawrence Olivier.

And for those counting, this marks the second film in which Hugh Grant plays opposite a cute female who is unfairly accused of being fat in the movie. Wow.

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Yeah, what was the deal with that. She didn't look fat at all. I don't even remember them showing her mid-section much, but even if she maybe had wide hips or something, she definitely would not qualify in my book as fat.

The only I thing I can think of is that British people may not have as much problem with obesity as we do, so maybe it takes less to qualify as "fat" in Britain.

In my Random Movie Recommendations thread, I recommended Love Actually (my apologies if that at all persuaded you to rent it). I liked it because it did have a lot of traits I like in a movie. However, I can see how one might have problems with it.

It has a buttload of subplots in it. And, as Roger Ebert said in his review for it when it came out in theaters, the many subplots are both its greatest strength and greatest weakness at the same time. The many subplots attack the topic of love from many angles and allows for such a diverse ensemble cast. At the same time, with so many subplots, each individual one is somewhat diminished to make room for the others. The subplot with the body double couple was the weirdest, most out of place, and least developed, so they should have left that out altogether.

All in all, I would say it's a very flawed movie, and yet I liked what it tried to do and what it was intended to be enough to give it some respect. I think it just got over-written and over-edited. It had several good ideas, but the writer didn't know when to stop, and then when he directed it, he may have gone a little too heavy on the cutesy factor. I've been into more light-hearted movies lately, and this movie still did the trick for me despite the quirks and flaws.

I quite liked Love Actually when I saw it, months back at the cinema. But its not a movie Id go out of the way to see, I suspect I went to it with a bunch of friends from Tae Kwon Do, for on of the girls birthday or some other event.

K.

All the stuff with Bill Nighy as the old rocker (whose name escapes me) was funny.

Interviewer: Who was the best shag you ever had?
Nighy: Brittany Spears.
Intereviewer: Really?
Nighy: No. Just kidding...... She was rubbish!

For something completely different, Nighy played the lead vampire in "Underworld".

Colin Firth has the hots for his Portuguese maid and they can't understand each other but still fall in love. Of course he starts to really fall for her when he sees her in her underwear when she tries to retrieve pages of a book that were already in the lake. I swear, it was like a Skinemax flick. But we're supposed to believe it's true love just because he storms in to her waitressing job with a mob of idiots to awkwardly propose. Guess what- she says YES! And her sister is very fat. Har-har.

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Granted I think the love stories in a lot of movies (especially this one) are a little too quickly and conveniently developed. However, I have to admit that the subplot about the writer and the maid was probably my favorite story in the movie.

Alan Rickman... his secretary.. isn't even that hot.

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I agree. What was up with the casting there? I thought the Portuguese maid and the *supposedly* "fat" office chick from the Prime Minister subplot were both far more attractive than Rickman's secretary.

Maybe when you're married, any younger woman interested in you who isn't disgusting is more attractive than your boring wife.